Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy

Last year, I decided to leave home. It was a bold step for me seeing that my culture encourages unmarried ladies to stay grounded at home until Mr. Right comes around. After a tumultuous undergrad journey, I decided to pursue my graduate studies. As an immigrate (unfortunately…) I had to anticipate out-of-state fees even though I have been in the United for States for more than 10 years (do not ever overstay a visa in America). Grad school meant staying at home to go to school which to me really sucked (my biggest regret in life!).

My Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy journey began in May 2019 when I finally graduated from grad school (Thank God!) For those who do not know me, I am noticeably big on family. Last year was the most pivotal year in my Nigerian journey in the United States. I did not realize going to school and staying at home was a big mistake. It was last year that I finally realized that I should have left home sooner than I did. I hope you learn from my mistake.

One can argue, there is no healthy family because there is no perfect family. That is true! I think what I am trying to say is you need to be in a healthy environment. It is important for your growth and your peace of mind. Sometimes, I wonder the person I would have been if I had left home earlier. Would have I been happier? Smarter? Who knows… I am all for the Nigerian culture but I think your peace of mind is more important.

In my opinion, I was the perfect daughter. I had faced something tumultuous in my undergrad but I persevered. I didn’t really have a real boyfriend until I was 30 years (I am 31 now). I followed all the rules, heck! I was a choir director at my church for 4 years. I was the praise and worship leader at some point. I was humble, thoughtful, and respectful. I was meticulous to make sure I did not bring shame to my family.

I thought home was supposed to be an incubator of positive minds and energy. My home environment from 2012-2019 turned out to be a nightmare. It has always been a nightmare, but last year took the blindfold from my eyes. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is my journey to heal from all the negativity 2012-2019 brought my way.

I love Jesus. I have always had a soft spot for God from an incredibly young age. I took my relationship with God more seriously in my High School years. I would spend days fasting and praying for days. I would post bible verses all over my side of the wall when I shared a room with my immediate older sister. I didn’t do these things so I would be viewed differently by my parents or family members. I honestly took my relationship with God to another level.

I remember when I started my period (menstrual cycle) and my mother told me “don’t play with boys” that was her failed attempt in teaching me about the birds and the bees. From that point onward, my mother has had an interesting relationship with my stomach. Huh? Exactly. You heard me, my stomach or abdominal area. I remember one faithful Sunday wearing an outfit and going to ask my mother what she thought about the outfit. She had nothing to say yet, proceeded to lift my shirt to look at my stomach. She could not find what she was looking for there. She proceeded to look at my breast. I did not understand what this meant until I got older.

For my non-Nigerian Readers, most Nigerian mother’s biggest fear is their daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock. I cannot remember what year I started my period. From the time I started my period till 2019, my mother had suspected me of per-marital pregnancy.

Mind you, I did not get my first boyfriend still I was 30 years old. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is a journey I should have embarked on years ago. The worse part my mothers’ suspicion was that she brought it to church. With my eyes closed, hands raised high, I would open my eyes to my very observant mother eyes’ wide open and looking at my abdomen. I was not a flat belly kind of chick which made matters worse.

I did everything right. I graduated undergrad. I worked. I paid my bills religiously. I contributed to the household to the best of my ability. If there were other expectations of me, there were not clearly stated and thus, absolutely none of my business. I put myself in grad school and paid my way through with less than 11,000 in debt even after paying out of states fees. I worked hard to not disgrace my family, yet my good deeds were completely ignored. I was obviously too good to be true which is why someone would open their eyes in the presence of God to scrutinize the size of my belly in Church. In 2019, I completely lost it!

This post is not to make my mother look bad. She was not the only person who was suspicious of my per-marital woes. There were other women in my church who did the same thing. Morale of this post is, it does not matter how good you are, people will put you in whatever bracket they choose to put you in. You must break free and stay true to yourself.

I give you permission to leave any environment that does not foster growth. You must leave any environment that sows negativity when you are trying to stay positive for yourself and your future. I did that. I left for my sanity. I left because I did not want to become a product of a toxic environment. You are a product of your environment if you continue to stay. Your life and future matters. Leave as soon as possible and get yourself a good therapist.  This is where the therapy part comes in.

The truth is hurt people hurt others. You must make time to forgive and heal from the negative influences of your environment. Your life is worth it. Please never stop healing..

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

Psalms 73:26

American Built, LIBERIAN STRONG!

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 On a fateful Saturday when the Super Eagles were preparing to demolish the Black Stars. I was hopeful the Super Eagles would win the game until I saw the mad skills on the Ghanaian team.

Rufus Afropong stood out on the field. Rufus played for the Ghanaian team.

Let me officially introduce you to this star. Rufus is a semi-pro soccer player from Liberia. His father is from Ghana. For those who do not know Liberia was founded by freed black slaves who returned from America. Liberia, unlike other West African countries, has its own unique history.

I pray his story you will inspire you to chase your dreams.

9jagirl4real: Hello Rufus, thank you for taking out time from your business schedule to do this interview. I really appreciate this.

Rufus: You’re welcome.

Liberian Strong

9jagirl4real: Who is Rufus?

Rufus: I was born in Liberia. I went High School in Liberia. During the (civil) war, we moved to Sierra Leone and came back to Liberia after the war. Finished my high school in Liberia. Attended a University in Liberia. My parents decided to send me to the States for college. Got accepted to a school in West Virginia. Left this university because the school lost their accreditation. The coach in West Virginia introduced me to a coach in South Carolina.  Played soccer for this school for 4 years and graduated.

9jagirl4real: When did your love for soccer start?

Rufus: I started from a young age. My mother loves soccer. She bought me a soccer ball. Soccer got serious when I graduated from High School. I made the club team (premiere) in Liberia. My mother was the main force behind everything. My father wanted me to be more focused on school. He didn’t change his mind until when the school wrote him and told him how me playing soccer was bringing more students to the school.  My father called me and told me to also focus on soccer.

(Laughs)..

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9jagirl4real: Are you pleased with this sport that you chose?

Rufus: My mother wanted me to try a different sport at a young age because of my height. I tried basketball. I was told by the basketball coach then to stick to soccer. Soccer is hard and different. Your footwork must be good. You need to have endurance. You also need to be fit.

9jagirl4real: In Liberia, you call it “soccer” or “football”?

Rufus: Football

9jagirl4real: What is the major language in Liberia?

Rufus: We speak English but different dialects of English.

9jagirl4real: What is the political and economic climate right now in Liberia?

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Rufus: People are still recovering from the war ( two civil wars).

9jagirl4real: What is the difference between the Liberian culture and American culture?

Rufus: The people in American are more independent while Liberia is more like family. American culture people don’t know themselves.

9jagirl4real: Does playing Fifa help you in the decision making when you play sport in real life?

Rufus: Yes, it helps you a little bit but not much. I don’t really play Fifa like that.

9jagirl4real: What do you want your legacy to be?

Rufus: I don’t want to leave a bad image for the kids.  Kids are my focus. I am trying to help the kids in Liberia.  I am supplying soccer game materials to keep their soccer dreams alive.

9jagirl4real: What does your faith mean to you as an athlete?

Rufus: It helps me to depend on God. I have seen God move in my life. Coming to the States and my college (ICU). I try to focus on God for everything. Every good thing that comes to me, I believe God did it.  Whether good or bad, God knows the reason.

9jagirl4real: Tell me about workout schedule?

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Rufus: I work out every day from Monday-Friday. 30min Cardio. Lifting weight. When I came to the States, I was skinny. I gained muscles when I came to the States. I made up my mind to go to the gym no matter how I feel.

9jagirl4real: What advice would you give your 16-year-old self?

Rufus: Be focused. Believe in yourself. Don’t listen to other people. Work towards your goals. Things will fall into place with time. Have Patience! Pay attention. At the right time, things will happen.
9jagirl4real: Ritual before a game?

Rufus: Listen to music. Sometimes gospel music, or R&B. I watch a movie. Do other things to distract me from the game.

9jagirl4real: What Keeps you up at night?

Rufus: Passion! I want to do things to make a difference in people’s lives.
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Huge thanks again to Rufus.

Go team Rufus!!

Keep Soaring.

The White Girl in Me.

Picture credits: http://thedreamwithinpictures.com

Picture credits: http://thedreamwithinpictures.com

I went to an all girls’ boarding school prior to my big move to the United States. Growing my hair in this school was forbidden, so I had to cut off my hair. Yes, you guess right. I came to America with little hair.

When I started middle school in America, she was born. Who? The white girl in me. We will call her, Ashley.

My first day at middle school, I was called “weird” because I didn’t look anything like Ashley. Ashley is the standard of beauty. She has straight hair. She is skinny and so white.

I was nothing like Ashley. The black girls at my middle school looked at me funny and laughed when I walked by because I was not Ashley. They were not Ashley either, but they were closer to Ashley than me. They had their hair relaxed. They were Ashley on the inside but black girls on the outside.

I saw Ashley everywhere, she literally followed me everywhere. I saw her on billboards. I saw her in the clothing store where I buy clothes. She was everywhere. She looked nothing like me. Even the clothes I buy were sewn with Ashley in mind. Most of the stores sell clothes to fit Ashley. I had to go to several stores to find clothes to fit my body type.

Even when I am watching tv. Ashley is in all the commercials. Ashley is winning. The white boys want her. The black boys want her. Everybody wants Ashley.

In American society, beauty is a monolith. The closer you are to Ashley the prettier you are. The farther away you are from Ashley, then you are less attractive. To appease this naive society, I had to look like Ashley.

One day, I came back to school and everything changed.

My hair changed and I was at least 10% closer to Ashley and for the first time, the black girls at my school wanted to talk to me. They wanted to be my friend. Don’t get me wrong? It’s not Ashley’s fault, she is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with Ashley’s beauty.

Before the natural hair movement, no one would look at me if I had kinky hair but as soon I relax my hair, heads turn. We are told the lighter shade of us looks better (closer to Ashley). A straighter hair looks better (closer to Ashley).

The truth is white America doesn’t want to recognize the diversity in beauty. It’s one thing for white America to tell us we are not beautiful, it is more self-debilitating for us to believe this lie. If white America doesn’t promote us, we must promote ourselves. We must learn to compliment each other. Tell a natural sister, she looks beautiful every day.

Some black women are walking around with white images of themselves. When some of them look in the mirror, they compare themselves to Ashley. White America wants us to walk in the shadow of Ashley.

Some black men have bought into the lie which states black women are not beautiful. They have drunk the “kool-aid” as one of my professors call it.

Our black is beautiful. You don’t have to be white to be beautiful. Stop bleaching. Stop searching for validation from people who have been conditioned by white America to only see white beauty.

“There’s no standard in beauty, there’s diversity in beauty”-Amber Starks

 

“Prettiness is not the rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female.” – Erin Mckean

Forever the Best Father’s Day Gift

Father's Day 2017Father’s day is coming up!! My amazing  father will be here for father’s day.
The best gift a woman can give her children is to pick a good man for her future children. I think it is not wise to be having unprotected sex with any man you wouldn’t be proud to give your children as a father.

Please avoid these types of guys when you want children:

1. A guy who is currently not taking care of his children from previous relationships
2. A guy who has no financial capital to provide for your child
3. A guy has a crazy baby’s mama he cannot control.
4. A male who is obviously sleeping around with every female he comes in contact with.
5. A guy who doesn’t want kids.
6. A guy who is not prepared to have a baby.
7. A guy who has a reckless lifestyle with no clear plans of where he is going with his life.
8. A guy who is not responsible for himself. He has no control over his finances. His mother or father pays for this upkeep.
9. He doesn’t have any long-term goals that include you. If you want to get married before kids. He has no goals of marrying you.
10. The guy who you know obviously doesn’t like you. If you like him and think you can convert him to like you after a child, think again!! If you like him and he doesn’t like you, you are only hurting yourself having a baby with him.

Think about the type of father you want to give your children. Give your children a man they can be proud of. Give them a father who will do them right all the days of their life. Give them a man who will fight for them.

The best gift you can give your future children is to pick a good man to be their father!!

To all great fathers out there.. God bless You for all you do!

With love,

9jagirl4real

Photo Credit: Google

African Proverbs about Love..

Afrolove

1. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is the hustle. (- Africa)

2. It is better to be loved than feared. (- Sierra Leone)

3. One doesn’t love another if one doesn’t accept anything from her. (- Chad, Niger, Nigeria- Kanuri/Bornu)

4. Love doesn’t listen to rumors.

5. Love is like a baby: it needs to be treated tenderly. (- Congo)

6. If a woman doesn’t love you, she calls you brother. (- Ivory CoastBaule)

7. People who love one another do not dwell on each other’s mistakes. (- Kenya- Gikuyu)

8. The house of a person we love is never far. (- Kenya- Gikuyu)

9. A letter from the heart can be read on the face. (- Kiswahili)

10. Love has to be shown by deeds, not words. (- Kiswahili)

11. Love doesn’t rely on physical features. (- Lesotho)

12. He who loves you; loves you with your dirt. (- Uganda- Ganda)

13. The way you got married isn’t the way you’ll get divorced. (- Haiti)

14. He who doesn’t like chattering women must stay a bachelor. (- Congo)

15. It is the habit that a child form at home, that follows them to their marriage. (- Nigeria)

16. If you marry a monkey for his wealth, the money goes and the monkey remains as is. (- Egypt)

17. Having beauty doesn’t mean understanding the perseverance of marriage. (- Africa)

18. If you do not travel, you will marry your own sister. (- Mozambique)

19. Marriage is like a groundnut: you have to crack them to see what is inside. (- Ghana- Akan)

20. The buttocks are like a married couple though there is constant friction between them; they will still love and live together. (- Africa)

21. He who marries a beauty marries trouble. (- Nigeria)

22. It is better to be married to an old lady than to remain unmarried. (- Uganda)

23. A woman who is not successful in her own marriage has no advice to give to her younger generations. (- Nigeria)

24. The man may be the head of the home but the wife is the heart. (- Kenya- Gikuyu)

25. He was entrapped by the evening, it has cost him his marriage. (- Bantu)

26. One who loves you, warns you. (- Uganda- Baganda)

27. Talking with one another is loving one another. (- Kenya)

For more African proverbs, please check out the below website.

Source

Image Source: Google

Marrying a Nigerian Man

Hey Everyone,
This is my second vlog on 9jagirl4real.
This is something new I am starting on this blog!!
Please click  to watch the video.

Thanks for watching.
Please post or email me your comments.
God bless!!!

The Fantasy of love and the reality of Marriage..

Tiwa Savage

From a young age, I have always known I would marry for love and nothing else.
I have grown to discover that is not enough.  I also have to use my head.
The reality is the heart will always want what it wants at all cost logical or illogical.

Be WISE!
Nowadays, love is not enough.
See your potential mate through the eyes of your future children, what would they say?
The person you choose could become the mother or father of your children.
Is this person the kind of mother or father you want for your children?
A wise man once said, “the spouse you choose is a reflection of your intelligence.”

Forget about their looks, money for once. Will your love stand the test of time?
Is your relationship built on a good foundation?
Will the strength of your love survive the test in marriage?
Whether you choose to stay or leave your marriage will affect your children.

Let’s make this practical.
You convinced a woman to marry you because you have money. Why are you surprise she left now that the money is gone? Whose fault is it?
Don’t blindly marry anybody. The reality of divorce is too real.

Know what you naturally like. Don’t settle for less and think you can change anybody when you enter marriage.
Don’t ignore anything that bothers you in the pre-marital stage thinking that marriage will solve it.
Marriage magnifies your problems.
Seek counsel from people in successful marriages.
Marry someone who genuinely loves you and you also love.

Life will test your marriage.
Equip your relationships with all the necessary tools you need to succeed in your marriage, you owe your children that much.

Take your time to build a solid foundation, so your love can stand the test of time.

Photo Credit: Google

 

This Movie Changed my Life..

Favorite color.

PLAY

The room was dead silent as we were exchanging our vows and then she looked straight into my soul and said, “I will say ‘I do’ on one condition—you answer this question correctly.” My head started spinning. What was she doing? My whole family flew from Nigeria to come to this wedding. Even my professors, co-workers, classmates, and childhood friends were all here. My uncle, who hates to travel, was also present with his wife. In a blink of an eye, I saw myself acting in a Nigerian movie, but it felt real. Why am I an actor in this scary movie? This Nigerian movie was really happening in my life.

She asked, “what is my favorite color?” The million dollar question… I asked her whispering, “Baby, why are you asking me now? This is our wedding day..”  Of course, I didn’t know the answer so I started panicking on the inside. I looked at the bridesmaid’s dresses for a clue. The bridesmaids wore blue, so I answered, “Baby, it’s blue. Can we go on?” She stood for about a minute looking at me with tears rolling down her face and she turned to the maid of honor and gave her the flowers. She picked up her dress and ran. As she was running, I heard a lady say, “Gurl, he African… You better run, girl!!”

If this was a real Nigerian movie, the producers would add a dramatic Nigerian music here to compliment the shocking turn of events. I had no idea my fiancé was a track star. She ran so fast out of that church. My eyes in tears, I became Usain Bolt and ran after her. The church was in an uproar. Guests looked at each other confused.

I finally met up with my bride. I asked her what was going on. She said, “Baby.. you don’t know my favorite color.” I told her, “Baby, why did you wait till our wedding day to ask me?” She said, “Because I knew you would walk away if I said ‘no’ to your proposal.” Baby, I know you are under a lot of pressure to get married. Two months is not enough time to fully know a person. I really like you but I need time to get to know you fully and you know me as well.” My heart was burning in anger, disappointment, and anxiety. How did she expect me to march into a room filled with well-wishers only to tell them that there will be no wedding today? I spent a lot of money to help make this day happen. I look my baby in the eyes and it all made sense.

PAUSE

REWIND

Suli and I met in school. It was love at first sight, I liked her from the minute she said hello. It took her a while to catch the cupid arrow from me, though. I didn’t mind, I waited patiently as a “friend.” When we started dating, we were inseparable, we were like those romantic couples in American movies. We did everything together. Suli didn’t mind the idea of marriage. I spoke to her about marriage from day one that I neglected what she really wanted. I was so overwhelmed with my desires that I ignored her desires.

PLAY

We hugged each other and I told the MC to tell the audience that there will be no wedding today and they are free to eat and dance all night as their heart desires. Suli and I left hand-in-hand out of the wedding venue still in our wedding attires, we received several congratulations from strangers on our way to the car. We drove away still hand-in-hand.

FAST FORWARD

Two years later on a private stage with a few friends, a minister with some family members and she asked me, “What is my favorite color?” I answered, “You don’t have a favorite color, you silly girl.” She said, “I do,” and kissed me.

THE END

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!

Morale of the Story: Nigerian guys stop proposing after the first date. What does she want? The world doesn’t evolve around you. Invest the time to know the person you are marrying.

Edited by: Kelli Busbee