I went to an all girls’ boarding school prior to my big move to the United States. Growing my hair in this school was forbidden, so I had to cut off my hair. Yes, you guess right. I came to America with little hair.
When I started middle school in America, she was born. Who? The white girl in me. We will call her, Ashley.
My first day at middle school, I was called “weird” because I didn’t look anything like Ashley. Ashley is the standard of beauty. She has straight hair. She is skinny and so white.
I was nothing like Ashley. The black girls at my middle school looked at me funny and laughed when I walked by because I was not Ashley. They were not Ashley either, but they were closer to Ashley than me. They had their hair relaxed. They were Ashley on the inside but black girls on the outside.
I saw Ashley everywhere, she literally followed me everywhere. I saw her on billboards. I saw her in the clothing store where I buy clothes. She was everywhere. She looked nothing like me. Even the clothes I buy were sewn with Ashley in mind. Most of the stores sell clothes to fit Ashley. I had to go to several stores to find clothes to fit my body type.
Even when I am watching tv. Ashley is in all the commercials. Ashley is winning. The white boys want her. The black boys want her. Everybody wants Ashley.
In American society, beauty is a monolith. The closer you are to Ashley the prettier you are. The farther away you are from Ashley, then you are less attractive. To appease this naive society, I had to look like Ashley.
One day, I came back to school and everything changed.
My hair changed and I was at least 10% closer to Ashley and for the first time, the black girls at my school wanted to talk to me. They wanted to be my friend. Don’t get me wrong? It’s not Ashley’s fault, she is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with Ashley’s beauty.
Before the natural hair movement, no one would look at me if I had kinky hair but as soon I relax my hair, heads turn. We are told the lighter shade of us looks better (closer to Ashley). A straighter hair looks better (closer to Ashley).
The truth is white America doesn’t want to recognize the diversity in beauty. It’s one thing for white America to tell us we are not beautiful, it is more self-debilitating for us to believe this lie. If white America doesn’t promote us, we must promote ourselves. We must learn to compliment each other. Tell a natural sister, she looks beautiful every day.
Some black women are walking around with white images of themselves. When some of them look in the mirror, they compare themselves to Ashley. White America wants us to walk in the shadow of Ashley.
Some black men have bought into the lie which states black women are not beautiful. They have drunk the “kool-aid” as one of my professors call it.
Our black is beautiful. You don’t have to be white to be beautiful. Stop bleaching. Stop searching for validation from people who have been conditioned by white America to only see white beauty.
“There’s no standard in beauty, there’s diversity in beauty”-Amber Starks
“Prettiness is not the rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female.” – Erin Mckean
1. Rebel against the mindset that you need a man to take care of you.
If no one is hiring, start your own business. What can your hands do to bring you money?
Find it and do it!!
2. Rebel against the mindset that you MUST marry from your culture. I am a firm believer that love doesn’t discriminate. If he loves you and you love him, please do not give up fighting to be with the person you love.
3. Rebel against the mindset that you are supposed to manage in an abusive marriage.
4. Rebel against the mindset that you are second class citizen.
5. Rebel against the mindset that your self-worth is found in a relationship with a man. Find your self-worth outside your husband and marriage. Find your self-worth within.
Hey Semi. Remember me? I am that grad student you dumped because I couldn’t afford the Brazilian hair you wanted. I told you, “Babe, please be patient with me until I am done with graduate school.” You told me you couldn’t wait. You dumped our five year relationship for a guy who borrowed money to marry you. You broke my heart then I realized it was a blessing in disguise. Now, I have a woman who loves me for me, not my money. We are co-partners in our multimillion dollar business we started two years ago. When you left, I discovered women like my wife still exist. My wife and I are expecting our first child. We will be celebrating in Dubai; you are invited with your family. I hope you are happy in the hut with your husband.
I pray this will never be your portion in Jesus name! A lot of women like Semi are short-sighted to see beyond the present. I have heard stories like this time and time again where a lady mistakes a hero for zero and a zero for a hero. It is hard pill to swallow when you realize you have made a lifelong mistake you can’t eradicate. Thus, it is very important to recognize when the guy in your life is hero.
The concept of a hero or a zero is subjective. My hero may be your zero and vice versa. It is important for you to recognize who is a hero. Personally, the differences between a hero and a zero has more to do with character. But that’s just my opinion. No matter where that guy is today, see that guy five years from now. If he is still a zero then you need to let him go. No condition is permanent. If you miss out on a great guy, you have only yourself to blame. A man who is focused, disciplined, and working towards his goals is a hero regardless of what his bank account says. A man who has children he is not taking care of is a zero. A man who blames everybody but himself for his current state in life is a zero. A man who flashes with expensive cars with no savings towards his future is a zero. But a man who lives within his means and makes wise decisions with his money is a hero.
To be honest, if you miss out on a great guy, check yourself because you might be a zero.
Heard a story of a brother and sister who attended the same church, got attracted to each other, started courting and eventually got married in the same church. Few weeks after their wedding, they had a misunderstanding and in the course of argument, the husband told the wife that if you say anymore word I will slap you and that she shouldn’t think he’s that kind of spiritual brother she met in church and that he only wanted to have a good wife in church and the wife also replied that if he dare slap her she will break bottle on his head and that she’s not the kind of spiritual sister he met in church and that she also wanted to get the right man in church. So that’s how two wrong partners in form of pretence got married.
The above story is just the truth about relationship, we were taught in physics that like charges repel while opposite charges attract but one of the things I’ve learnt in relationship is that like people attract and opposite people repel. You will attract the kind of person you are. A right person will attract the right partner while a wrong person will attract the wrong partner. So instead of hoping to find the right man/lady
for you, you can take time to ‘become the right person’ because the right partners are also looking for right persons that will complement them.
So let’s look at how to become the right person.
SELF-DISCOVERY: The fundamental thing required in becoming the right person is self-discovery. The problem we have among many young people is that they don’t know who they are and that is why they tends to dress anyhow, talk anyhow and do all manner of things just because they lack that sense of identity. The question is; who are you?Discovering yourself is not what you can do on your own, you don’t know yourself and once you don’t know the purpose of a thing abuse is inevitable. So self-discovery means knowing who you are and why you are created (your purpose). Until you know yourself, you can’t be the best that God wants you to be. It is in your discovery that you will get to know why you are created. It is your discovery that gives you an identity; it distinguishes you from everyone else and helps you to live life maximally. Discover your purpose today.
Like I said earlier that discovering yourself is not what you can do on your own, you don’t know yourself and it takes someone that knows you to reveal who you are to you. The only person who knows you is God (Jeremiah 1:5) and you need to have a relationship with God before He can reveal yourself to you, you need to be born again by accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and saviour. Jesus Christ is the one who connect us to God; He is the way to the Father (John 14:6).
For you to discover yourself, you must cultivate a daily relationship with God. You can only discover your purpose out of an intimacy with God. The more of God you know or the more you know God, the more you know yourself. Before you think of choosing the right partner you must first become the right person. God wants you to know Him before you know the right partner.
Adam had a personal relationship with God before God brought him a wife, let God form you and put you in the right place. You are to carry your relationship with God into your relationship with the opposite sex. Your relationship with God should be guideline for your relationship with the opposite sex. Spend time to study the word of God and let it become a part of you; discover the truth about you from the word of God. When you inquire of God, He answers you (Jeremiah 33:3)
Marriage is a continuation of God’s plan for your life; it is not something you can just rush into because the bulk of your life will be spent in marriage. So take time to discover yourself in God, discover your purpose and ensure you cultivate a daily relationship with God.
DESIRE AND DECIDE IT: It is not enough to wish to be the right person; you must desire it and decide you will be the right person no matter what. God honours our desires especially when we tell it to him in prayers (mark 11:24), so you must desire to be the right person and also pray that God make you the right person. Also, you are where you are today because of the decisions you have taking over time. The firm decision you take will help you to pay the sacrifices needed to become the right person. Daniel decided not to defile himself (Daniel 1:8), so you too can decide today to become the right person.
ADD VALUE TO YOUR SELF: One of the things that give us an edge in life is knowledge. Knowledge is life and power. You are who you are today because of what you know and what you don’t know. You are also responsible for what you know or don’t know.
So in order for you to become the right person, you must keep adding value to yourself (2 Peter 1:5-8), study books and materials that will make you become a better person. You also need wisdom, ask God for wisdom (James 1:5). Wisdom will make all the difference in your life. So get wisdom (Proverb 4:5-7).
Discover your talent, skill-up in the area of your talent, then decide and begin to deliver solutions to human problems using your talent. Improve on yourself, dress decent and moderately; you will be addressed by the way you dress(your appearance matters a lot). Read books on leadership, relationship, business, attend seminars and apply what you’ve learnt to your life.
POSITIVE ASSOCIATION: The people you associate with matters a lot in determining who you will become. Like the popular saying that says show me your friends and I will tell you who you are, you must be mindful of the people you associate with. Associate with godly people and make friends with people you know you want to be like. If you must become the right person, you must make conscious effort to select who you associate with. He that walks with the wise shall be wise (prov 13:20).
MIND YOUR MIND
You need to mind what you allow into your mind. It also goes a long way in determining who you will turn out to be. Carefully scrutinize the materials you feed on. You are a product of what you allow into your life. So you must constantly guard your heart (prov 4:23). The songs you listen to, the movies you watch and the magazine you read all contribute to who you become in life. You need to constantly renew your mind with the word of God and disabuse your mind from various lies and deceit of the devil. Let the word of God transform you into the right person you want to become (Rom 12:2).