Tag Archives: Children

Single and Not Waiting

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Written By:  Rachel Selinger

I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m single.

Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.

What exactly am I in-between again?

It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.

I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.

I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful or us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.

Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.

When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life.

Click here to see the article. 

4 Present/Future Nigerian Parents

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Nigerians,
I laugh as I watch this video of our Nigerian Parents but deep down I am scared that some of us will use this parenting style to raise our kids.
A lot of Nigerians children including myself were raised with an authoritarian parenting style.

I learned in college that there are four types of parenting styles:

1. Authoritative: Here the parent set rules and boundaries. The parent is responsive and nurturing and the parent is less likely to control their kids by induction of shame, guilt or withdrawal of love (Source)
2. Authoritarian: Parents are very strict with their kids (Most Nigerians can relate)
3. Permissive: Parents act as a friend towards their kids.
4. Uninvolved: Parents don’t care about the child.

Source: http://blog.lib.umn.edu/meyer769/myblog/2011/11/the-four-types-of-parenting-styles.html

I grew up with parents who used authoritarian parenting style and I have seen its damaging effects. It scares me that more Nigerians couples and future parents will use this parenting style without questioning it.

I am pleading with you present/future Nigerian parents to use a different parenting style because an authoritarian parenting style doesn’t help kids develop emotionally. Based on my observation of myself and siblings, I can say this parenting style has different effects on children. For me, I noticed that I became emotionally distant from the people I love. Agreed, this parenting style produces obedient children but at the cost of their emotional development.

This parenting style produces negative results because God created parents to be nurtures not dictators. You can discipline your kids without withdrawing love from them. A lot of Nigerians think that discipline is a form of love and I completely agree, but discipline is not the only form of love.

Providing for your kids financially caters to their physical needs not their emotional needs. Nigerians parents, your kids need to know and feel loved by you. I knew my parents loved me by their actions but they didn’t do much to make me feel loved. This is why I hate this parenting style because it focuses more on discipline and neglects the emotional needs of children.

You need to balance the discipline with love. You need to make sure that your children feel loved. Cater to their emotional needs because it is important. You need to hug, kiss your child, talk and play with your children regularly this will help them with their emotional needs. Once in a while sit down and have a communication with them without scolding.

Again, your children knowing you love them is not enough; you need to physically hug, kiss, talk and play with your children to help them develop emotionally. Be affectionate towards your children. Children are a gift from God, enjoy the journey.

Rule of thumb: As the discipline goes up, the love needs to go up as well.

In summary: Discipline your kids and still be affectionate because it is important for their emotional development. 

Our Choices.. Our kids!!

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ImageI was talking to a girl who is pregnant and working in a fast food.
I thank God America takes good care of their children.
If I was having this conversation in Nigeria, God knows I would be crying.
How can a young girl raise up a child with a fast food paycheck? It’s impossible!
Completely Impossible!
I asked her about the child’s father, if he will do anything to support her when the baby is here.
She said, she wasn’t sure that she told him to get it together before the baby comes.

Ladies,
Babies don’t mature men; responsible men are responsible before they bring a child into this world.
Don’t expect anything to change if you decide for whatever reason to have a child with a man who is immature.
Ladies the decision you make affect will affect your child for the rest of their lives.
If we knew the power we have over our children’s’ life, we would be more careful with our decisions.
Even though, I have no kids now, I still have to think how my decisions will affect my kids.

If I choose to have kids out of wedlock will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who doesn’t love me will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who doesn’t want kids will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone I married will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who is immature will affect my kids.

I want my kids to have a father and mother who love them living in the same house taking care of them.
I want my kids to have their father in their lives.
I want my kids to have everything they need to make them successful.
I want my girls to grow up to be intelligent, God-fearing, virtuous, strong and great contributors to our society.
I want my boys to grow to be like their father.

It may not happen how I want it to happen but I am not going to set myself for failure by having a child with someone whom I am not married to or not responsible.
To be honest, I don’t want baby-daddy drama. I don’t want to beg any guy to take care of their responsibility.
I want the best for my kids for this reason, I have to choose wisely.

Women your choices will affect your children. Choose wisely!!!

For Better or Better..

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Love22It should be “For better or Worse..”
A lot of people say this phrase without understanding the word “worse”.
Cos if they meant it..
they wouldn’t run for a divorce when problems come..

C’mon ppl,

Why do you run when it gets worse in marriage?
You stood before God on your wedding day to say “worse”
worse means when it gets bad, really bad, really really bad..
Worse means Bad to the 100,000th power.

You didn’t say for better or for bad..
You said “Worse”..
Worse is an intense bad.

How many of you actually stand when it gets worse?
When it gets worse, a lot of people start checking out (Divorce)..
Worse is part of life…
Your life wasn’t smooth sailing when you were single.
Why do you think it is going to be smooth sailing now you are married?

A little prick and the love disappears..
It ought not to be so..
Life is full of ups and downs..
Everybody goes through it.

Your marriage will not be up all the time..
You will experience a down too.
If you didn’t want to divorce when your marriage was up..
Why should you divorce when your marriage is experiencing a down?

In the presence of abuse and infidelity
..Divorce is understandable;
however, irreconcilable differences..  really??

If you are going to marry for better and better..
Please, do your partner, and future children a favor and don’t marry at all.

There’s nothing as a perfect marriage..
Everybody with awesome marriages worked hard for it.
Marriage is not for wimps, it’s for people who are committed to fighting for their love.

Learn from the bad..
Let these bad times draw you closer and not tear you apart.
Nothing in Life with value comes easily..
The enemy hates marriages..
He will bring every wind of storm to tear you apart..
These storms come to measure the love you have for each other..

Singles..
For Better or Better (Fantasy, Fairy tales)
If you are not really marrying for Better or WORSE..PLEASE DON”T MARRY at ALL!!

We would have less Divorces today, if people indeed married for Better or Worse.. 

INSPIRING HOPE featuring 50strong50wise..

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God blessed me with the privilege of having parents that valued education. I was never in a situation where I was kicked out of school because I didn’t pay my school fees; however, this wasn’t the case for some of my classmates. In Sierra Leone, some students starting from elementary school to high schools are sent home, if their parents can’t afford their school fees.

Meet Sheka Mansaray..

  founder of 50strong50wise, a college  senior trying to opens doors for a better future for young students in Sierra Leone.

His mission:

Take education away from an African child and that kid has no chance in this world. Apart from God, education is the only cure out of poverty. An uneducated child is doomed for a life streaked with poverty and no Hope. Every child deserves a fair chance in this world.

How you can help? Go to www.50strong50wise.com and Donate or Spread the word to others who can help. God bless you.

Dear future Kids,

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Dear future Kids,

Mom here. I know, you will probably think it is lame that am writing you a letter before you are born..hang on, I have a lot to tell you already.

Well, I am 24yrs as am I writing you this letter. I pray God will allow me someday to see everyone of you. You see..God controls my fate. I have devoted my life to him cos only him can truly satisfy. When I meet you all, I will teach the importance of knowing God and putting him first before everything else. Btw, I can’t wait to meet your daddy, I haven’t met him yet. I can’t focus on your daddy just yet, you know.. There’s so much I have to accomplish before I start thinking about your father and you all.

I can’t wait to kiss you boo-boos, drive some of you to soccer practice, read a bath time story and much more. There’s time for everything tho. Right now is time for me to be single and allow God be first in my life before God brings your daddy into my life. I will update you when I meet your daddy! Oh joy! I love your daddy already u know.. I have to patient tho.. You know every attractive man is not your daddy. I am so careful about who I date cos the person could easily be your daddy after we get married. I want the best daddy for you all that’s why am waiting for God to bring me the best man. I want a man that loves God with all of his heart first and  love his family next. I am extremely careful, I don’t want to make a mistake with this decision cos whatever I decide will affect your lives for good or bad.

I sincerely want God to bless me with a good man that together, we will enrich your lives. Your mom is naturally adventurous, u will soon find out. I pray God will bless me with the gift of been your mother, so we can go on some adventures together. I pray that I will do my best to be the best mom to you. The last few yrs were very rough with me; however, I persevered cos I don’t want anyone of you to go through the same things I went through. As I fight for the future I want, it warms my heart that am fighting for you.

If God allows I see great things for all of us. I want God to bless me with a family that love God hungrily and live to help others. Life is all about using your challenges as a motivator to make it easier on somebody else. When daddy comes, we will write you a letter. I can’t wait to meet your daddy again. Your dad is a lucky man, you know (LOL means laugh out loud just in case it gets odd by the time you read this letter). I pray for you and your daddy often. I can wait for all of us to finally meet someday. Till that day, God first!

Love,
future mom! (Your amazing mom patiently waiting for your daddy)