This one is for Nigerian guys who want to go back home to find a wife. First of all, I want to congratulate you on this big step. Finding a wife is not easy at all o! This post is really for Nigerian guys who call their parents or people they trust back at home to find them one innocent virgin girl for them to come home to marry. C’mon… Guys!! Come on!! I know the idea of finding one innocent girl to marry is intriguing, but wait one minute… How long do you know her? This post is coming from a special place because I hate seeing people hurt.
You called someone you trust to find you a lady who can cook you egusi and give you lots of babies doesn’t mean anything. They found you a lady who you can be a great wife and mother doesn’t mean she is the person they say she is. You are the person who will be spending the rest of your life with her (hopefully). Invest time and get to know who you are marrying. I know the people who gave you this recommendation have the best intentions for you doesn’t mean that this girl is on the same page as them.
Their recommendation is not enough… Get to know the lady you are marrying. It surprises how some guys will get a recommendation about a lady and marry her quickly. Marriage is not a joke. Going home to marry someone and bringing them overseas is a big commitment and sacrifice. You need to be sure of your decision. Don’t rush into the marriage. Get to know the person you are marrying for your own peace of mind.
When you marry people in general without investing the time to know the person for yourself, you are marrying at your own risk. The immigration battle is not worth it if you are not going to have a peace of mind in your marriage. I have heard of circumstances where a man has gone home to marry and the woman came over here to rip where she didn’t sow. People you know all your life can still tear you down, but don’t take that risk by not knowing the person you are marrying.
Risk is great but marriage is not the place for it. Before you go home to marry please get to know the person you are marrying for yourself. The people giving you these recommendations are not marrying her, you are. Be careful and choose wisely!!
“The best way to love your kids is to love your spouse. Your relationship with your spouse will affect your children whether you accept this reality or not. Your children are the product of your love. Again, don’t neglect your relationship with your spouse because it will affect your children’s present and future.”-9jagirl4real
I laugh as I watch this video of our Nigerian Parents but deep down I am scared that some of us will use this parenting style to raise our kids.
A lot of Nigerians children including myself were raised with an authoritarian parenting style.
I learned in college that there are four types of parenting styles:
1. Authoritative: Here the parent set rules and boundaries. The parent is responsive and nurturing and the parent is less likely to control their kids by induction of shame, guilt or withdrawal of love (Source)
2. Authoritarian: Parents are very strict with their kids (Most Nigerians can relate)
3. Permissive: Parents act as a friend towards their kids.
4. Uninvolved: Parents don’t care about the child.
I grew up with parents who used authoritarian parenting style and I have seen its damaging effects. It scares me that more Nigerians couples and future parents will use this parenting style without questioning it.
I am pleading with you present/future Nigerian parents to use a different parenting style because an authoritarian parenting style doesn’t help kids develop emotionally. Based on my observation of myself and siblings, I can say this parenting style has different effects on children. For me, I noticed that I became emotionally distant from the people I love. Agreed, this parenting style produces obedient children but at the cost of their emotional development.
This parenting style produces negative results because God created parents to be nurtures not dictators. You can discipline your kids without withdrawing love from them. A lot of Nigerians think that discipline is a form of love and I completely agree, but discipline is not the only form of love.
Providing for your kids financially caters to their physical needs not their emotional needs. Nigerians parents, your kids need to know and feel loved by you. I knew my parents loved me by their actions but they didn’t do much to make me feel loved. This is why I hate this parenting style because it focuses more on discipline and neglects the emotional needs of children.
You need to balance the discipline with love. You need to make sure that your children feel loved. Cater to their emotional needs because it is important. You need to hug, kiss your child, talk and play with your children regularly this will help them with their emotional needs. Once in a while sit down and have a communication with them without scolding.
Again, your children knowing you love them is not enough; you need to physically hug, kiss, talk and play with your children to help them develop emotionally. Be affectionate towards your children. Children are a gift from God, enjoy the journey.
Rule of thumb: As the discipline goes up, the love needs to go up as well.
In summary: Discipline your kids and still be affectionate because it is important for their emotional development.
I was talking to a girl who is pregnant and working in a fast food.
I thank God America takes good care of their children.
If I was having this conversation in Nigeria, God knows I would be crying.
How can a young girl raise up a child with a fast food paycheck? It’s impossible!
I asked her about the child’s father, if he will do anything to support her when the baby is here.
She said, she wasn’t sure that she told him to get it together before the baby comes.
Babies don’t mature men; responsible men are responsible before they bring a child into this world.
Don’t expect anything to change if you decide for whatever reason to have a child with a man who is immature.
Ladies the decision you make affect will affect your child for the rest of their lives.
If we knew the power we have over our children’s’ life, we would be more careful with our decisions.
Even though, I have no kids now, I still have to think how my decisions will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids out of wedlock will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who doesn’t love me will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who doesn’t want kids will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone I married will affect my kids.
If I choose to have kids with someone who is immature will affect my kids.
I want my kids to have a father and mother who love them living in the same house taking care of them.
I want my kids to have their father in their lives.
I want my kids to have everything they need to make them successful.
I want my girls to grow up to be intelligent, God-fearing, virtuous, strong and great contributors to our society.
I want my boys to grow to be like their father.
It may not happen how I want it to happen but I am not going to set myself for failure by having a child with someone whom I am not married to or not responsible.
To be honest, I don’t want baby-daddy drama. I don’t want to beg any guy to take care of their responsibility.
I want the best for my kids for this reason, I have to choose wisely.
Women your choices will affect your children. Choose wisely!!!
I am still on a break from blogging lol.. Seriously, I am.. hahah..
I have been watching this “Where is he Already?” series on Youtube. Have you seen it?
You should definitely check it out. Here is the first episode.
God will never give you:
1. A married man-if you are dating one, please…move on, he is off the market. (Mark 10:9-what God has joined together, let no man put asunder).. I feel the need to say this again. GOD will NEVER GIVE YOU a MARRIED MAN. Again? GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU A MARRIED MAN.
2. A non-believer-2 Cor 6:14-Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship does righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion does light have with darkness?
3. A man who verbally or physically abuses you
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.-1 Cor 13:4-7
4. An irresponsible man-
if he can’t take care of himself..he can’t take care of you.
Is he living with his mom?
Is he in debt?
Does he pay his own bills?
Does he know how to manage money?
What are his plans for the future?
Is he taking care of his kids if he has any?
How many baby mamas does he have?
You will know a responsible man when you see one.. I trust you.
“For this reason a man will leave his mother and father and cling to his wife”-Matthew 19:5
James 1:17-Every good and perfect gift comes from the lord and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
Most of us have stars we idolize.
Most guys are huge sports players fans..
*Lebron James, Tim Tebow..etc.
Most females are huge singers fans.
Hint*Justin Bieber, Usher..etc.
I am not saying you’re wrong for being a fan to anyone..
However, I think some people are extreme about these stars.
They are original people just like us who are extremely popular and good at their craft.
These people don’t know you.
We adore our stars so much that we watch them everyday..
Psychologically, our brain wants us to think that we know these people personally.
Reality Check: We don’t know these people personally and they don’t know us personally.
People get so obsessed with these people that they get so detached from reality.
The real stars in your life should be people who sacrificed to help make you who are today..
For me personally..
My parents are my real stars,
I went to school here in the states as an international student paying out-of-state school fees..
My mom worked as a nurse overtime for years without taking any vacation days to make sure I wasn’t kicked out of school.
She is in debt because she busted her butt to make sure my siblings and me got our education.
My dad would send money from Nigeria..
if you live in Nigeria and you will understand that the exchange rate from naira to dollars is not a joke..
My dad busted his butt to send me thousands of dollars from Nigeria most semesters for my school fees.. My parents are my real stars.
Every time, I see my parents.. I need to cry, screaming their name for their autograph
cos the sacrifices they made has changed my life forever.
I am a college graduate today cos my stars worked hard.
Currently, I am working in a fast food restaurant but I have hope for a better future.
However, the Ultimate Star in my life is God..
who blessed me with such hardworking, and sacrificial Stars in my life.
To God be the Glory!!
Hollywood and sports stars we adore.. don’t even know our names..
The real stars in our life are the ones who made sacrifices to make sure we are successful!
Don’t forget to Praise the Real Stars in your Life.
This was the question I asked my 12yrs old self when I started attending middle school in the United States.
I was different..(very different. In fact, different is an understatement).
I was flesh out of boarding school in Nigeria that means my hair was short (very short, In fact I could pass for a guy). The Boarding school I attended in Nigeria, every student is required to cut off their hair because they didn’t want us to occupy our time with hair.
My hair was very short, I had this thick African accent (some of my peers thought I was Jamaican). Some thought my accent was kool but some didn’t really know how to accept me maybe cos I was completely different from them.
Ironically, the black kids were the worse.. Most of my bullies were black kids.
Why are people who look like me mean to me?
I expected the white kids to be the bullies cos I was completely different from them.
My very own ppl bullied me.
The only difference between me and the black kids in my school was my thick accent, short hair and weird clothes. I was similar to them but why didn’t they accept me?
Coming to an unknown country, I was already culturally shocked.
But having people who looked like me bully and reject me was a hard thing for my 12 yrs old self to handle.
The white kids accepted me but don’t catch me between two white kids together that means I’d be ignored as if I wasn’t even there.
I wasn’t only bullied by one race, I was bullied by two races.
The white kids only accepted me when none of their other white friends were around
or when they fully accepted me, they told me, I couldn’t be invited to their sleep over parties because their parents were racist.
Mind you, I grew up in a country where everybody is literally BLACK.
Race was never a problem for me.
I never saw my race as a problem until I came to the States.
Certainly, I thought something was wrong with me..
why didn’t I just fit in?
In middle sch and high school.. I can’t really remember having a true black friend.
When I started wearing my hair in braids to school. The black girls were like “she thinks she is all that.” I have now figured out, they thought I was all that (jealous). Middle school was just a preparation for a full year of bullying in 9th grade. I don’t know what I did to these two black guys in my English class, they always had something to say. I couldn’t quite place why I was still a target after my hair grew, I didn’t wear weird clothes anymore. I guess, it didn’t matter that I looked like them.. cos I was still different.
To the white kids: I was black.
To the black kids: I was obviously different
I do admit I was different; however, after my weird clothes changed, my hair grew and my accent was not as thick. Why was I still different to black kids?
I should blame these kids for being so inconsiderate of my situation as this poor little African girl who just wanted to be accepted. No. The kids are not at fault. I am now grown ( I think, I am lol!). I think Parents contribute a lot to how kids think about their peers.
Parents if you constantly tell your kids to only talk to a certain race, class. etc.. you are opening your kids to an environment where they think something is wrong with people who don’t look like them or you don’t want them to associate. Why do you think bullying is still a problem in American schools? I am aware some bullies have issues at home but what about bullies whose parents tell them to only be friends with kids that look like them?
Kids are so innocent and pure. God didn’t create kids to see race. Allow a child and they will play with everybody. Sadly, parents start as early as elementary school to poison their kids minds to segregate. Racism/discrimination/bulling is still alive cos you are allowing it. How can you honestly teach your kids to hate or not associate with that race or class? I understand educating your child not to associate with kids who are trouble makers.
When you fill your kid’s head with hate at home don’t act surprised when he or she acts on it in school. The best place to teach tolerance is at home.
Black parents, your child doesn’t only have to deal with bullies from another race but also from your own race. I call it, double threat of Racism from kids of their own race. Bullying doesn’t discriminate but I do think black kids are easy targets.
Bullying is rampant in this society cos parents and society are telling little kids to stay away from people different from them for no particular reason.
Yes, there’s no right answer to this problem.
You want to stop bullying?!
Start by educating your children and lead by example.
Little kids are dying cos of bullying,
you need to start talking.
I know most of you wouldn’t do anything until your own child becomes a victim.
I call them “Techno Babies” in short for Technology Babies.
I have interacted with kids ages 1-4yrs..
It seems all of them know to work gadgets.
Gadgets as in a tablet, i-pad, i-pod.. Just to name a few.
And I am not talking about those made for kids.
It amazes me how they know to work it.
Give them a gadget..
You just have to turn on the power button and they know what to do.
It makes me wonder does God equip our new babies in the womb to know how to work new advances in technology?? It sounds like a crazy thought but we serve a Mighty God that is also full of surprises.
It amazes me, how a 4yr old knows how to get on a tablet..
without asking knows how to get on youtube to find her shows.
Of course, her parents may have shown her how to a few times
but the ability for her to navigate way without much assistance is amazing.
I gave a 2yr old my laptop to play Angry birds..
I thought, i’d have to instruct him on how use the mouse to play.
Well, he got on the laptop and just knew what to do.
I don’t have a child,
maybe these kids have watched their parents long enough that they know what to do.