Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy

Last year, I decided to leave home. It was a bold step for me seeing that my culture encourages unmarried ladies to stay grounded at home until Mr. Right comes around. After a tumultuous undergrad journey, I decided to pursue my graduate studies. As an immigrate (unfortunately…) I had to anticipate out-of-state fees even though I have been in the United for States for more than 10 years (do not ever overstay a visa in America). Grad school meant staying at home to go to school which to me really sucked (my biggest regret in life!).

My Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy journey began in May 2019 when I finally graduated from grad school (Thank God!) For those who do not know me, I am noticeably big on family. Last year was the most pivotal year in my Nigerian journey in the United States. I did not realize going to school and staying at home was a big mistake. It was last year that I finally realized that I should have left home sooner than I did. I hope you learn from my mistake.

One can argue, there is no healthy family because there is no perfect family. That is true! I think what I am trying to say is you need to be in a healthy environment. It is important for your growth and your peace of mind. Sometimes, I wonder the person I would have been if I had left home earlier. Would have I been happier? Smarter? Who knows… I am all for the Nigerian culture but I think your peace of mind is more important.

In my opinion, I was the perfect daughter. I had faced something tumultuous in my undergrad but I persevered. I didn’t really have a real boyfriend until I was 30 years (I am 31 now). I followed all the rules, heck! I was a choir director at my church for 4 years. I was the praise and worship leader at some point. I was humble, thoughtful, and respectful. I was meticulous to make sure I did not bring shame to my family.

I thought home was supposed to be an incubator of positive minds and energy. My home environment from 2012-2019 turned out to be a nightmare. It has always been a nightmare, but last year took the blindfold from my eyes. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is my journey to heal from all the negativity 2012-2019 brought my way.

I love Jesus. I have always had a soft spot for God from an incredibly young age. I took my relationship with God more seriously in my High School years. I would spend days fasting and praying for days. I would post bible verses all over my side of the wall when I shared a room with my immediate older sister. I didn’t do these things so I would be viewed differently by my parents or family members. I honestly took my relationship with God to another level.

I remember when I started my period (menstrual cycle) and my mother told me “don’t play with boys” that was her failed attempt in teaching me about the birds and the bees. From that point onward, my mother has had an interesting relationship with my stomach. Huh? Exactly. You heard me, my stomach or abdominal area. I remember one faithful Sunday wearing an outfit and going to ask my mother what she thought about the outfit. She had nothing to say yet, proceeded to lift my shirt to look at my stomach. She could not find what she was looking for there. She proceeded to look at my breast. I did not understand what this meant until I got older.

For my non-Nigerian Readers, most Nigerian mother’s biggest fear is their daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock. I cannot remember what year I started my period. From the time I started my period till 2019, my mother had suspected me of per-marital pregnancy.

Mind you, I did not get my first boyfriend still I was 30 years old. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is a journey I should have embarked on years ago. The worse part my mothers’ suspicion was that she brought it to church. With my eyes closed, hands raised high, I would open my eyes to my very observant mother eyes’ wide open and looking at my abdomen. I was not a flat belly kind of chick which made matters worse.

I did everything right. I graduated undergrad. I worked. I paid my bills religiously. I contributed to the household to the best of my ability. If there were other expectations of me, there were not clearly stated and thus, absolutely none of my business. I put myself in grad school and paid my way through with less than 11,000 in debt even after paying out of states fees. I worked hard to not disgrace my family, yet my good deeds were completely ignored. I was obviously too good to be true which is why someone would open their eyes in the presence of God to scrutinize the size of my belly in Church. In 2019, I completely lost it!

This post is not to make my mother look bad. She was not the only person who was suspicious of my per-marital woes. There were other women in my church who did the same thing. Morale of this post is, it does not matter how good you are, people will put you in whatever bracket they choose to put you in. You must break free and stay true to yourself.

I give you permission to leave any environment that does not foster growth. You must leave any environment that sows negativity when you are trying to stay positive for yourself and your future. I did that. I left for my sanity. I left because I did not want to become a product of a toxic environment. You are a product of your environment if you continue to stay. Your life and future matters. Leave as soon as possible and get yourself a good therapist.  This is where the therapy part comes in.

The truth is hurt people hurt others. You must make time to forgive and heal from the negative influences of your environment. Your life is worth it. Please never stop healing..

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

Psalms 73:26

Why some Nigerian Men Cheat?

 For this post we will focus on “why some married Nigerian men cheat?”

Here is my answer…

Married Nigerian men cheat because they can find women to cheat with.

It takes two to tango!

This post is not only to bash married men who cheat but also women who clearly go for married men.

My sista, you know he is married. Na wetin?

Are all the single men on strike?

All single men cannot be broke.

There is something about a married man. He has a wife and children at home. He is responsible. I know it is exotic to have something we can’t have.

It does not matter what religion are you. You need to feel somehow messing around with a married man. If you don’t, you need serious prayers and fasting. You are possessed or something. It is abnormal to mess with a married man without your conscience worrying you.

Aunty, how would you feel if your husband cheated on you?

Guess what? If you sleep with someone’s husband, it will come back to you (Not cursing you, it is called Karma!).

You are sowing a seed for your husband to cheat on you.

Lets leave Married Men alone.

Some of you your boyfriend never cheated on you but as soon as you get married, he cheats.

You know why?

Because you sowed that seed in your single years.

If you do not know he is married, its one thing. My sista, please when you know.. LEAVE HIM ALONE!

To foreign ladies, your Nigerian married boo will NEVER LEAVE his wife for you.

Again..

Your Married Nigerian guy will never leave his wife for you.

Let’s stop this..

Some of you are messing around with married men and praying for God to send your husband.

Sister mi, there’s God o!

To all the married men or women who cheat on their spouse, guess what? One day, your spouse will cheat on you and the tables will turn. Keep playing games with God. God will soon give you the same dose of your medicine.

Selah..

With Love,

9jagirl4real

Stop Virgin Shaming…

H: Are you a virgin?
Y: Yes!

H: I think virgins are naïve about relationships.

WRONG!!! Some virgins are naïve about relationships.
Some people in general are naïve about relationships. 
Let us be real, people are naïve about a lot of things.

I know of a lady who literally had a guy ignore her messages because she stated she was a virgin.

There are lots of people who are not virgins and still clueless about relationships.

Society give virgins a break!

It is hard enough navigating a hyper-sexual world as a virgin, do not make it more painful.

Virgins UNITE!! You are not clueless about relationships.

People who assume virgins are clueless about relationships are clueless themselves.

Because you had sex with your boyfriend or whomever you choose does not automatically mean you know a lot about relationship.  

Sex does not equal relationship. There are some people who are sexually active without a commitment or relationship.

If you ask me, until you have been in a stable relationship for more than 5 years, you are still clueless about relationship.

If sex was the secret to a stable relationship, we would all be pros in relationship.

Iris from Married at First Sight

One can make the argument that virgins are clueless about sex because of their lack of experience. Knowing sex and having sex are two different things.

Morale of this post is: give Virgins a break!! Some virgins are clueless about sex and some virgins are not.


Good looking People are OVERRATED!!!

Good looks are OVerratedDefinition of good looking (for women: big breasts, big butts and a pretty face. For men: tall, muscular, six packs and a handsome face) for the purpose of this post. From my observation, people with these features in the American society are venerated.

Good-looking people have it pretty easy in a society that value first impressions. People automatically attribute positive emotions to people with pretty faces and features. It is very easy for a good-looking person to depend on their looks for better opportunities and privileges in this society. Most of the time, people who are genetically blessed with a pretty face live a less ignominious life.

As a good girl you will enjoy these perks:
1. Having more ‘friends’ since most people want to associate themselves with someone good-looking.
2. Having rich friends-even if your parents are poor, don’t worry your pretty face gets a pass into the rich club.
3.Being showed love and ask out on a date by guys oftener .
4. Having boys fight over you.
5. Always been part of the popular group because you have “the hottie” pass.
6. You get an extra tip as a waitress, customer service rep or a sales person.
7. And many more.

As a boy you will enjoy these perks:
1. Getting her to stare
2. Being the popular (football) player everyone wants to hang around.
3. Getting the girl you want (95% of the time)
4. Having a lot of friends.
5. Getting the job you want
To name a few..

Having a pretty face with attractive features helps in this society, we can all agree. We capitalize on looks too much in this society to the point that children begin having low self- esteem issues in elementary schools and below average looking people commit suicide because they feel they are ugly.

Let’s be real, good-looking people with pretty faces and attractive features are genetically blessed. They are blessed with attractive features genetically passed down, none of which they earned. They did nothing to earn their fine looks. Thus, it is an oblivious action to bless people with favors they don’t deserve. Gifts in the name of being “good-looking” are absolutely unnecessary. None of these “good-looking” people worked for their pretty face and attractive features yet; they get a pass in this society. The one that annoys me the most is when we give passes to “good-looking” people with bad behaviors. Somehow their good-looks is an excuse for their bad behavior or character. By the way, not all “good-looking” people have bad behaviors.

NEWS FLASH: PHYSICAL BEAUTY FADES, CHARACTER IS FOREVER.

People who are not attractive to you shouldn’t be treated poorly because they are attractive to someone else. There’s no uniform scale of attractiveness; yes the people with pretty faces and attractive features will get the most attention, it doesn’t mean that those without these features are unattractive. We are all attractive!!! Stop putting down people who are not attractive to you.

Indeed, we are sexual beings; we naturally favor people who are attractive to us.There’s nothing wrong in admiring God’s creation; however, we are wrong for placing more emphasis on people’s  attractiveness than their character. It’s doesn’t matter how fine you are on the outside, if your character stinks; you are ugly in my eyes.

In my opinion..
Good Looks+ bad Character=Ugly
Good Looks + good Character=GORGEOUS
Bad looks+ good character=Gorgeous
Bad Looks + bad character=UGLY

Looks will fade, Character is FOREVER.

Photo Credit: Google Images

African Amnesia

love-africa-stickerA very common condition where native-born Africans in developed countries suddenly forget their African identity and heritage in the absence of trauma.

Common Causes:
1. Extreme embarrassment for their African country, identity or heritage.
2. Extreme love for their new country.
3. Forced to denounce their native country for serious reasons.
4. Social acceptance
5. Status change

Symptoms:
1. Loss of memories in Africa
2. Loss of appetite for native African foods, patient can’t even stand the sight.
3. Sudden inability to speak their native African language.
4. Exaggerated love for anything that undermines their native African country.

Treatment:
1. A reality clap from someone with a massive hand.
2. Deployment from the developed country.
3. A huge party with all the patient’s favorite foods from motherland.
4. A reality check from family members and friends.

A letter from Mr. Cabin Biscuit to Mr. Oreo,

Dear Mr. Oreo,

Cabin BiscuitsHow you dey? I am just here showing Mrs. Cabin biscuit this your video “Mr. Oreo.” I saw the video too.. It was nice sha, but mmm.. You already know what this letter is about so I am not going to front. I understand the message you were trying to convey, but couldn’t you do it and still call your video “Mr. Cabin biscuit.” Wait, why are you black on the outside and white on this inside? Wettin dey worry you?

No, I am not mad o, but I am just saying. Do you know how many Nigerian boarding students I have saved from starvation? Do you know that Nigerian boarding students cry to their parents if they don’t add me to their provisions? Do you know how many Nigerian families have me with groundnuts?

Don’t get me started.. I have a question for you Mr. Oreo. What has Oreo done for you that Mr. and Mrs. Cabin hasn’t done for you over the years? I have the right to vex. This is not fair now. I am here trying to save Nigeria from starvation and you are over there singing about Oreos. My friend you no get respect? Which kind wahala be this? I feel underappreciated in this country. This thing you do.. It no good o!!

I have talked to Mrs. Cabin biscuit about the consequences of your actions. Mrs. Cabin biscuit was even pleading with me to pardon you o(can you imagine?) I told her “forget that thing.” From the Cabin family to your family, we are banning you and your future generations from our savory taste. Don’t beg me; you have insulted me and my family. No Cabin Biscuit for you Mr. Oreoand your future generations. Look at Mrs. Cabin biscuit begging me. I think Mrs. Cabin biscuit is begging me because of your muscles. She said the Cabin family helped you gain all that muscle. Again.. You are BANNED from the Cabin Biscuits family.

I don’t understand why Nigerians are quick to promote foreigners before their own. Nigerians, it’s time to love yourselves. Mr. Oreo we are banning until you make a song about us na. My friend, you better respect yourself o.

Sincerely,
Mr. Cabin Biscuit and the Cabin Family

FYI: My family will be dancing to Kukere as we wait for our video. We expect our video by December 2015

Nigerian Men are buying Nigerian Women like Suya..

Woman Holding BanknotesNigerian Women, our sole purpose on earth is not to get married to a politician or a rich man. It is also not our duty to give any man a male child that’s God’s duty. A lot of us have the mentality of marrying rich because the present economic situation in Nigeria. A man who buys your heart with his money will use the same money to manipulate and control you in marriage except he loves you. Even when he loves you, he can still use his money to manipulate you. It is our duty to claim our rights in our society by fighting for it. I hope you are paying attention to what is happening in our society. A lot of rich Nigerian men can get away with anything when it comes to women by using their money. Nigerian women, they are using their money to manipulate you.

How can a politician have a mistress that his wife knows about? Why can’t his wife put her foot down against it? Why are we allowing our men to mistreat us and misuse us? I am aware that not all Nigerian men are this way. A woman should not go crying to her in-laws before her husband understand that he is hurting his wife. Most of these men who do these things do them because they know they can get away with it. Do men really value us as women or do they see us as the properties they can buy? (Please, answer this question). Nigerian women, we are responsible for our place in our society. If you don’t want a place in society continue allowing men to buy you like suya.

Enough is enough!! Nigerian Ladies, the way to solve your economic problem is not to marry a rich husband who can use his money to manipulate you. The way to solve this economic problem is not to sleep with men for job offers or salary. The only solution to this problem is for us to think independently outside the men in our lives. Stop thinking you need a man to maintain you. You can start your business (honestly, genuinely without sleeping with any man for funds). It is time for independent Nigerian women to emerge.

We can be financially stable without depending on any man. I don’t think it’s wrong to depend on your husband to provide for the family, but we need to stand up as Nigerian women and stop allowing these men to use their money to manipulate us.

Money doesn’t equal happiness.

A Preview of 1:54 Contemporary African Art Fair

I was highly honored by the invitation to be one of the launch partners of 1:54 Contemporary African Art Fair in London. Thank you so much for the invitation. The Art fair opens in five days to the public worldwide.

A preview of the African fair

My Favorite artist: Sammy Baloji
My Favorite piece: Usine de Shituru by Sammy Baloji (I really like this piece)
My Favorite exhibitions: Magnin A and Apalazzo Gallery

canvas 154You are not ready for this Fair..
It is going to be Epic!!

Click here for more information. 

Your Natural beauty is Beautiful..

Natural HairGoing from Relaxed to Natural hair means a huge change in appearance. Some people couldn’t even recognize me. Some oyiyo people stared at me like they just saw a ghost or something. Life as a natural is not easy for a lady with coarse, kinky and straight-up from the motherland kind of hair. The most amazing thing about this journey is you really find out who really likes you for you. My relaxed/transitioning hair styles were a pseudo version of me.

This is “me” now.. If you can’t accept me with my natural hair, then you are not supposed to be in my life.
My physical beauty with my natural hair is who I am. God blessed me with curly, coarse and thick hair.

webcam-toy-photo31

My Transitioning Hair

Ladies, we are beautiful the way God made us. You are beautiful with your kinky, curly, coarse hair.
We were raised to hate the natural way God made us, but God doesn’t make mistakes.
I miss my transitioning hair, but I love my natural beauty.

This natural hair journey will pressure you to work on your self-esteem. Starting this journey I noticed I didn’t get that much stares from guys. I found myself questioning if I made the right decision. This was an opportunity to tell myself that I am beautiful without getting validation from guys. It was my best way to build on my self-esteem because it allowed me to have more confidence in my inner beauty than my physical beauty.

Work on yourself, love yourself and move forward. We are beautiful!!!

Is our dating culture setting us up for divorce?

Think about this question before you read my answer.

picture-of-me-3.pngWhen things don’t go our way in our relationships, we break up. A lot of people enter into relationships to see what they can get not what they can give. How is your dating relationship, preparing you for marriage? Are you learning to forgive each other? Are you learning the importance of communication? Marriage stands against everything this dating culture stands for. Marriage is about love and commitment. How many of us are truly committed to “forever”? Most people on their wedding days quote “till death do us part” but how many of them run out when issues come up. We are so used to breaking up that the idea of divorce doesn’t seem that bad to us. Is our breaking up habit setting us up for divorce later?

Here is a theory from a schoolmate..

“Ok, I have a theory. I am going to call it, Anderson’s 21st Century of Relationship and Marriage Dysfunction. Young adults in the 21st century under the age of forty, have a problem with the word “sacrifice.” In order to have and maintain a strong marriage and relationship sacrifice is a required necessary element! However, because of the power and innovation of technology, young adults have become selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and have developed the Burger King mentality of thinking “they can have it their way.”

Therefore, if they cannot have what they want, when, where, and how they want it, the relationship or marriage is rendered not worth it and a break up is effective immediately! Not to mention those who remain single past forty never been married or in a longstanding relationship because they say they couldn’t find anybody they were interested in; they did not once even question if whether or not there expectations were even slightly “unrealistic,” which…they usually were! To conclude my theory: selfishness and lack of sacrifice are destroying relationships and marriages in young adults in the 21st century! This is just part one of my theory!”- Justin  Anderson