If you don’t LOVE Life, Do NOT CREATE LIFE: True Confessions of an ACE adult (Part 1):

What is ACE? Good question!!
ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experience(s).

What I wish someone told my mother before she had children: “If you do not love life, do not create life.” (Youtube Comments Section)

“Bad parenting is a health crisis. If you have stable, well adjusted, loving parents. You don’t know how lucky you are…” (Youtube Comments Section)

“The worst thing about abusive parenting, is the parents many times don’t realize they’re abusive. This is why I believe every new parent should take a parenting class to understand child psychology.” (Youtube Comments Section).

I would encourage you to stop here to watch Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’ Ted Talk on youtube: How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.

Welcome Back!!

According to Dr. Harris: ACE is:

1. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

2. Physical or emotional neglect

3. Parental mental illness, substance dependence, and incarceration

4. Parental Separation or divorce

5. Domestic violence

For every yes for any of the above you get a point on your ACE score.

My ACE score is a 7. I encourage to stop here to calculate your own ACE score.

My childhood background:

I am the fifth child of two US-trained professionals. My father is a retired college professor and my mother is a retired nurse. I hate that I am revealing my family like this, but I must because I want parents or future parents like yourselves to learn from my parents’ mistakes.

First, my parents both grew up in a Nigerian society that treats children as sub-humans who can be maltreated or man-handled anyhow by adults. Some of my sibling are childhood victims of extreme physical abuse. The Nigerian mentality is children must be beaten to shape or they will become insubordinate members of society, at least this is how I saw childhood in Nigeria. My father was extremely maltreated in his childhood. Unfortunately, he perpetrated the same pattern of abuse unto his children.

My paternal grandfather was a married man to three wives. My father’s mother died at a young age which left my father and his two siblings at the mercy of two stepmothers. One of my father’s stepmother attempted to poison him at a young age. A few years after my father lost his mother, he eventually lost his father.  My father grew up into adulthood as an orphan. Thankfully, my father’s eldest brother stepped up, and provided for my father from a young age. My father’s childhood was turbulent. Which leads me to lesson number 1: Believe it or not, your childhood has an impact on your life. If you had a turbulent childhood, you must make a conscious decision that your children will not through the same experience, as you did. You MUST HEAL FROM YOUR Childhood. There is a saying that abuse people abuse other people. Hurt people hurt others. If you do not deal with the pain from your past or childhood, you may subject your children to the same pattern of abuse.

Interesting Plug: my father wrote a book about his life if you are interested in reading more. Hit me up! The book is not free! You must buy the book. Let me know at 9jagirl4real@gmail.com

My mother’s childhood experiences are still unknown or not clear to me. My maternal grandmother was given up for marriage at an incredibly young age like 16 or 17. My grandmother became a mother at a young age. My mother does not talk about her past even to her own children. We rarely know what happened in her childhood. The lack of disclosure to her own children could be an indication that it was not all good. Or maybe it was, I do not know.

Turbulence plus turbulence = ACEs for the children (solely my opinion).

Future parents, you can change the trajectory of your children’s lives through self-awareness. You must be aware that your past informs your future. You must be proactive to change history. Because your mother or father abused you does not mean you have to follow the same trend for your own children. ACE is real.

Back to Dr. Burke Harris, there is a correlation between ACE score and health outcomes. The higher the ACE score, the worse the health outcome. “67% of the population have at least one ACE. 12.6% of the population have at least 4 or more ACEs” (Dr. Harris). The person with an ACE score of 4 or more has a relative risk of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease two and a half times that of someone with an ACE score of zero. For Depression, also 4 and half times, that of someone with an ACE score of zero. For suicidality, it was 12 times that of someone with an ACE score of zero. A person with an ACE of 7 or more has triple the lifetime risk of lung cancer and three and a half times the risk of ischemic heart disease. The number one killer in the United States (Dr. Harris).

Remember, I said my ACE score was a 7. According to Dr. Harris, I have triple the lifetime risk of lung cancer and three-and-a-half-times risk of ischemic heart disease. ACEs is not a joke, people.

How has ACEs influenced in my life? Well, you must wait for Part II to find out.

Your Proverbs 31 someone..

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Photo Credits: Google

Ladies, the same for you.

My friendship with Mr. B..

Who is Mr. B? Mr. B is a childhood friend who attended the same after church service I attended when we were younger in Nigeria. He is now grown, smart and very fine in the United Kingdom. He doesn’t remember me from his childhood, so we had to get to know each other all over again.

Mr. B and I talked for a few months until something interesting happened. When Mr. B talked to me, I honestly thought he was talking to me as a friend with no strings attached until Mr. C came into the picture. Mr. C is his friend in the States. Mr. C started throwing games my way and Mr. B became jealous, I could tell. Mr. B didn’t know I was already interested in him, I wish he had said things in time. It was after Mr. C came into the picture was when I knew how Mr. B really felt. At the time I was very angry about the situation because I was put in this very weird situation.

Regardless, I have a lot of respect for Mr. B. If Mr. C didn’t come into the picture, I would still be talking to Mr. B as if nothing serious would happen. He later told me that his goal was to pursue friendship first. I absolutely respect that. Most guys who come into my life, don’t value friendship anymore. There are somethings about Mr. B I don’t like hey, nobody is perfect.  This guy rocks!!!  He could be playing me though, who knows?!

“As for life every turn of it has it reasons, and once we are in God’s calendar what was meant to be would always be”-Mr. B
Note to Mr. B:
None of this is relevant.

My Relationship with Mr. A..

Who knew my Mr. A would grow up to be so attractive with the cutest British accent?! He is so great looking now. That accent doesn’t help either.

 Since when we were little, Mr. A had crush on me. I could tell but he didn’t say a thing. Fast forward 19 yrs later, he still remembers my birthday and he finally told me, he had a crush on me when we were little. He was very close with my immediate brother, who is only one year older than me. I remember him as this short guy with a big head lol!!

He did his undergrad in Kenya and his master’s in the UK. He is very well rounded with a great sense of humor. I wish the childhood crush never left. He is a great catch.

Note to Mr. A:
It’s sad we are world’s apart, you have a very special place in my heart.
You remembered my birthday for 19years without even seeing me. My siblings don’t remember my birthday.
You have a great memory or you were indirectly still holding on to me. Who knows?!!
We might be in different continents, I will never forget you forever.

Love,
9jagirl4real

My Relationship with Mr. J.

I start my relationship series this week. There’s so much. I have been blessed to talk to amazing guys during the course of my life. I will share my experiences with these guys. I hope someone will learn from my mistakes and you will be encouraged in your journey to find love.

My Relationship Series Starts with Mr. J.
Since when I was young, I knew him. I got serious with him seven years ago. He’s a sweet person, everything I want in a guy. He’s thoughtful, down-to-earth, awesome, all that good stuff.
I can’t imagine my life w/o him. I talk and sing to him every day, as I read his love letters. He’s the only reason why I love life, I mean he makes it more interesting. I know when am down and call him up, he’s always there to comfort.
The cool thing about him is that my parents brought us together. Sometimes am selfish and think about myself instead of him. He never reminds me of my past failures in our relationship; forgives all the time and moves on.
I can’t wait to spend seven years in our marriage feast. All my brothers’ and sisters know him. Men, am too lucky to be in a relationship with a man that owns the whole world.
I didn’t struggle to make him love me; he already did even before I got into this relationship. Although I don’t see him I can always feel his presence around me.
Shout out to Mr. J!!!!

African Fashion: WILD CHILD

These pictures are from a Kenyan blogger called WILD CHILD. Check her out..

Wild child 1Wild child 2Wild Child 3

Wild Child 4
Wild Child 5Wild Child 6To all Africans, who promote Africa in a positive light: God bless you!!
Click here to visit WILD CHILD’s blog!

Nigerian Men 101: How to capture a Nigerian Man’s Heart?

Ladies, I have answered a lot of your questions about Nigerian men.
It’s time to hear from the horse’s mouth
Check out this video as these guys answer this question.
I like this group of guys because they are a good representation of the types of Nigerian guys you will meet in the States.
They are smart, funny, educated, witty and very Nigerian.
Each guy brings a different perspective to the discussion which I love.
Check out the video.

Let me know what you think?
Email, comment or facebook me!!

The Death Penalty for Men who marry Underage women in Nigeria..

Child-Not-BrideMarrying an underage child is prohibited in Nigeria, yet child marriages are prevalent in Nigeria.  Some people call it marriage, I call it slavery. A female child under the age of 18 is given off to marriage without her exercising her god-given right as a human being, that’s slavery. No parent should be allowed to give their underage child to marriage. These children are stripped of their rights to be children from a young age. Their innocence is stripped off as they are forced to experience things their underdeveloped brains can’t comprehend.

Life is in age stages.

Children are given off as young as 12 years old.
Do you know how immature I was at 12 years old?
At 27, I am still not ready to tie the knot.
That’s beside the point. Of all the things I hate about my country, child marriages is on my top list.
Any Christian or Muslim Man (more prevalent amongst Muslim men) who marries a girl under the age of 18 should get the death penalty.
The death penalty might seem too extreme; these men with their perverted heads deserve it.

Child marriages are inhumane and barbaric.
I hate when society flirt with the future of our children.
Some women even 18 years are not ready for marriage, how much more our little children?
These girls are children.
What sick demon in the form of a man would want to sleep with a child?
These men need a help because they are not normal.
Normal men marry women who are of age.

Why would you want a child who doesn’t know anything about anything?
Are beautiful, matured women scarce in Nigeria?
A man who marries a child needs to check in a psych hospital because he needs some serious help.

NO CHILD SHOULD BE FORCED INTO MARRIAGE.
EVERY MAN WHO MARRIES A CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF 18 SHOULD GET THE DEATH PENALTY.

We are not Animals. Even animals have more sense.

Enough is enough!!

It was YOU!!!

It was YOU…

A friend did something today that proved to me he loved me.
To some people it may seem minute but it meant the WORLD to me.
I thought about what he did and I almost tried.
This guy has been through the highs and the lows with me.
Instead of building you up, I broke you down because I was broken.
You are the friend I have been praying for years.
I don’t deserve friends like you in my life.
I’ve crippled our friendship with my insecurities yet you still stand by me.
You are my biggest fan.
You are the first person I call when someone breaks my heart.
You answer my calls at any time.
I don’t deserve you as friend.
You choose to stand by me with my flaws and all.
I pray I am as good a friend as you have been to me.
We are friend forever and nothing will ever come between us and our friendship.

I love you!!
I promise to love you with your flaws and all..
You are indeed my best friend.

We all need REAL friends! I am blessed to have one!

Dear Black People, Black Lives Matter..

“..the persistence of homicide in poor African American communities. The numbers are staggering. From 1980 to 2013, 262,000 black males were killed in America. By contrast, roughly 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam. In New Orleans, about 6,000 African American men have been murdered since 1980. The killers of these men were, in the vast majority of cases, other African American men” (The Atlantic Article: A Matter of Black Lives)

Next time you go for your next “Black Lives Matter” think about this staggering statistic. Why should other races care when we don’t care about ourselves. You know the quote, “charity begins at home.” We are holding posters, banners, and all chanting “Black Lives Matter,” but we are out there killing each other. Who is advocating for the black men and women killed by other blacks. What message are we sending the world? Self-hate is our biggest enemy. I am not against the “Black Lives Matter” campaign, we have to defend ourselves. We also have to recognize that most blacks are killed by other blacks.

Dear Black People, Black Lives Matter Too..