Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy

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Last year, I decided to leave home. It was a bold step for me seeing that my culture encourages unmarried ladies to stay grounded at home until Mr. Right comes around. After a tumultuous undergrad journey, I decided to pursue my graduate studies. As an immigrate (unfortunately…) I had to anticipate out-of-state fees even though I have been in the United for States for more than 10 years (do not ever overstay a visa in America). Grad school meant staying at home to go to school which to me really sucked (my biggest regret in life!).

My Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy journey began in May 2019 when I finally graduated from grad school (Thank God!) For those who do not know me, I am noticeably big on family. Last year was the most pivotal year in my Nigerian journey in the United States. I did not realize going to school and staying at home was a big mistake. It was last year that I finally realized that I should have left home sooner than I did. I hope you learn from my mistake.

One can argue, there is no healthy family because there is no perfect family. That is true! I think what I am trying to say is you need to be in a healthy environment. It is important for your growth and your peace of mind. Sometimes, I wonder the person I would have been if I had left home earlier. Would have I been happier? Smarter? Who knows… I am all for the Nigerian culture but I think your peace of mind is more important.

In my opinion, I was the perfect daughter. I had faced something tumultuous in my undergrad but I persevered. I didn’t really have a real boyfriend until I was 30 years (I am 31 now). I followed all the rules, heck! I was a choir director at my church for 4 years. I was the praise and worship leader at some point. I was humble, thoughtful, and respectful. I was meticulous to make sure I did not bring shame to my family.

I thought home was supposed to be an incubator of positive minds and energy. My home environment from 2012-2019 turned out to be a nightmare. It has always been a nightmare, but last year took the blindfold from my eyes. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is my journey to heal from all the negativity 2012-2019 brought my way.

I love Jesus. I have always had a soft spot for God from an incredibly young age. I took my relationship with God more seriously in my High School years. I would spend days fasting and praying for days. I would post bible verses all over my side of the wall when I shared a room with my immediate older sister. I didn’t do these things so I would be viewed differently by my parents or family members. I honestly took my relationship with God to another level.

I remember when I started my period (menstrual cycle) and my mother told me “don’t play with boys” that was her failed attempt in teaching me about the birds and the bees. From that point onward, my mother has had an interesting relationship with my stomach. Huh? Exactly. You heard me, my stomach or abdominal area. I remember one faithful Sunday wearing an outfit and going to ask my mother what she thought about the outfit. She had nothing to say yet, proceeded to lift my shirt to look at my stomach. She could not find what she was looking for there. She proceeded to look at my breast. I did not understand what this meant until I got older.

For my non-Nigerian Readers, most Nigerian mother’s biggest fear is their daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock. I cannot remember what year I started my period. From the time I started my period till 2019, my mother had suspected me of per-marital pregnancy.

Mind you, I did not get my first boyfriend still I was 30 years old. Jesus, Nigerian, and Therapy is a journey I should have embarked on years ago. The worse part my mothers’ suspicion was that she brought it to church. With my eyes closed, hands raised high, I would open my eyes to my very observant mother eyes’ wide open and looking at my abdomen. I was not a flat belly kind of chick which made matters worse.

I did everything right. I graduated undergrad. I worked. I paid my bills religiously. I contributed to the household to the best of my ability. If there were other expectations of me, there were not clearly stated and thus, absolutely none of my business. I put myself in grad school and paid my way through with less than 11,000 in debt even after paying out of states fees. I worked hard to not disgrace my family, yet my good deeds were completely ignored. I was obviously too good to be true which is why someone would open their eyes in the presence of God to scrutinize the size of my belly in Church. In 2019, I completely lost it!

This post is not to make my mother look bad. She was not the only person who was suspicious of my per-marital woes. There were other women in my church who did the same thing. Morale of this post is, it does not matter how good you are, people will put you in whatever bracket they choose to put you in. You must break free and stay true to yourself.

I give you permission to leave any environment that does not foster growth. You must leave any environment that sows negativity when you are trying to stay positive for yourself and your future. I did that. I left for my sanity. I left because I did not want to become a product of a toxic environment. You are a product of your environment if you continue to stay. Your life and future matters. Leave as soon as possible and get yourself a good therapist.  This is where the therapy part comes in.

The truth is hurt people hurt others. You must make time to forgive and heal from the negative influences of your environment. Your life is worth it. Please never stop healing..

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

Psalms 73:26
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Welcome Mr. Canada to 9jagirl4real:

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Ladies, he is a proud father of two. He is very hardworking, good father, and avid lover of politics. He is an engineer by training. He wants a God-fearing woman in the US or Canada. You must be ready to settle down in the next 6 months to 1 year. He is ready to make a lucky lady his wife. He loves to sing. He enjoys spending time outdoors with his children. He is a hopeless romantic. He is a very honest person.

If you are interested in Mr. Canada please send an email to [email protected] with Subject Line “Interested in Mr. Canada.” Include any specific questions you have for Mr. Canada in that email.

Please share this post with all your single lady friends in the US and Canada!!

May the odds be in your favor!

Good luck Ladies!!

If you don’t LOVE Life, Do NOT CREATE LIFE: True Confessions of an ACE adult (Part 1):

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What is ACE? Good question!!
ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experience(s).

What I wish someone told my mother before she had children: “If you do not love life, do not create life.” (Youtube Comments Section)

“Bad parenting is a health crisis. If you have stable, well adjusted, loving parents. You don’t know how lucky you are…” (Youtube Comments Section)

“The worst thing about abusive parenting, is the parents many times don’t realize they’re abusive. This is why I believe every new parent should take a parenting class to understand child psychology.” (Youtube Comments Section).

I would encourage you to stop here to watch Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’ Ted Talk on youtube: How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.

Welcome Back!!

According to Dr. Harris: ACE is:

1. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

2. Physical or emotional neglect

3. Parental mental illness, substance dependence, and incarceration

4. Parental Separation or divorce

5. Domestic violence

For every yes for any of the above you get a point on your ACE score.

My ACE score is a 7. I encourage to stop here to calculate your own ACE score.

My childhood background:

I am the fifth child of two US-trained professionals. My father is a retired college professor and my mother is a retired nurse. I hate that I am revealing my family like this, but I must because I want parents or future parents like yourselves to learn from my parents’ mistakes.

First, my parents both grew up in a Nigerian society that treats children as sub-humans who can be maltreated or man-handled anyhow by adults. Some of my sibling are childhood victims of extreme physical abuse. The Nigerian mentality is children must be beaten to shape or they will become insubordinate members of society, at least this is how I saw childhood in Nigeria. My father was extremely maltreated in his childhood. Unfortunately, he perpetrated the same pattern of abuse unto his children.

My paternal grandfather was a married man to three wives. My father’s mother died at a young age which left my father and his two siblings at the mercy of two stepmothers. One of my father’s stepmother attempted to poison him at a young age. A few years after my father lost his mother, he eventually lost his father.  My father grew up into adulthood as an orphan. Thankfully, my father’s eldest brother stepped up, and provided for my father from a young age. My father’s childhood was turbulent. Which leads me to lesson number 1: Believe it or not, your childhood has an impact on your life. If you had a turbulent childhood, you must make a conscious decision that your children will not through the same experience, as you did. You MUST HEAL FROM YOUR Childhood. There is a saying that abuse people abuse other people. Hurt people hurt others. If you do not deal with the pain from your past or childhood, you may subject your children to the same pattern of abuse.

Interesting Plug: my father wrote a book about his life if you are interested in reading more. Hit me up! The book is not free! You must buy the book. Let me know at [email protected]

My mother’s childhood experiences are still unknown or not clear to me. My maternal grandmother was given up for marriage at an incredibly young age like 16 or 17. My grandmother became a mother at a young age. My mother does not talk about her past even to her own children. We rarely know what happened in her childhood. The lack of disclosure to her own children could be an indication that it was not all good. Or maybe it was, I do not know.

Turbulence plus turbulence = ACEs for the children (solely my opinion).

Future parents, you can change the trajectory of your children’s lives through self-awareness. You must be aware that your past informs your future. You must be proactive to change history. Because your mother or father abused you does not mean you have to follow the same trend for your own children. ACE is real.

Back to Dr. Burke Harris, there is a correlation between ACE score and health outcomes. The higher the ACE score, the worse the health outcome. “67% of the population have at least one ACE. 12.6% of the population have at least 4 or more ACEs” (Dr. Harris). The person with an ACE score of 4 or more has a relative risk of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease two and a half times that of someone with an ACE score of zero. For Depression, also 4 and half times, that of someone with an ACE score of zero. For suicidality, it was 12 times that of someone with an ACE score of zero. A person with an ACE of 7 or more has triple the lifetime risk of lung cancer and three and a half times the risk of ischemic heart disease. The number one killer in the United States (Dr. Harris).

Remember, I said my ACE score was a 7. According to Dr. Harris, I have triple the lifetime risk of lung cancer and three-and-a-half-times risk of ischemic heart disease. ACEs is not a joke, people.

How has ACEs influenced in my life? Well, you must wait for Part II to find out.

Before You Invite Me to Your Wedding: Here are my Terms and Conditions…

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Dear Mr. and Future Mrs. Adebanjo,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I just received your invite to your wedding scheduled for June 12, 2020. 

Before I select “Yes” I want to highlight my terms and conditions:  

My dress to your wedding will cost me: $220

My Hair: $200

My Makeup: $70

My Nails(pedi and mani): $75

My Shoes: $100

My Hotel(since your wedding is out of town for me): $300

Accessories: $100

Transportation:$100

My Money to Spray the bride: $300

My Time at your wedding: Priceless

My Total investment to celebrate your day is: $1,395 + priceless for my time.

Your wedding is not only a financial investment for you but also for me, as your guest.

No, you are not required to give me $1,395 to attend your wedding but you are to respectfully acknowledge my financial contribution to celebrate your union.

If you choose to divorce in the next 0 month to 5 years, I will send you an invoice to return 90% of my contribution to your day which is $1,255.50.

If you choose to divorce in the next 10-20 years, I will send you an invoice to return 80% of my contribution to your day which is $1,116.00.

If you choose to divorce in the next 20-30 years, I will send you an invoice to return 70% of my contribution to your day which is $976.50.

If you both comply with to the terms of this agreement, please can you both sign in the designated spaces below and return this letter back to me. I will rsvp “yes” as soon as you return this signed letter back to me.

May the candle of your love burn forever!!!

Sincerely,

9jagirl4real

We are adults here if you know your marriage will not last for common 5 years. Please don’t invite me to your wedding. Nobody has time and money to waste.

Why some Nigerian Men Cheat?

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 For this post we will focus on “why some married Nigerian men cheat?”

Here is my answer…

Married Nigerian men cheat because they can find women to cheat with.

It takes two to tango!

This post is not only to bash married men who cheat but also women who clearly go for married men.

My sista, you know he is married. Na wetin?

Are all the single men on strike?

All single men cannot be broke.

There is something about a married man. He has a wife and children at home. He is responsible. I know it is exotic to have something we can’t have.

It does not matter what religion are you. You need to feel somehow messing around with a married man. If you don’t, you need serious prayers and fasting. You are possessed or something. It is abnormal to mess with a married man without your conscience worrying you.

Aunty, how would you feel if your husband cheated on you?

Guess what? If you sleep with someone’s husband, it will come back to you (Not cursing you, it is called Karma!).

You are sowing a seed for your husband to cheat on you.

Lets leave Married Men alone.

Some of you your boyfriend never cheated on you but as soon as you get married, he cheats.

You know why?

Because you sowed that seed in your single years.

If you do not know he is married, its one thing. My sista, please when you know.. LEAVE HIM ALONE!

To foreign ladies, your Nigerian married boo will NEVER LEAVE his wife for you.

Again..

Your Married Nigerian guy will never leave his wife for you.

Let’s stop this..

Some of you are messing around with married men and praying for God to send your husband.

Sister mi, there’s God o!

To all the married men or women who cheat on their spouse, guess what? One day, your spouse will cheat on you and the tables will turn. Keep playing games with God. God will soon give you the same dose of your medicine.

Selah..

With Love,

9jagirl4real

Stop Virgin Shaming…

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H: Are you a virgin?
Y: Yes!

H: I think virgins are naïve about relationships.

WRONG!!! Some virgins are naïve about relationships.
Some people in general are naïve about relationships. 
Let us be real, people are naïve about a lot of things.

I know of a lady who literally had a guy ignore her messages because she stated she was a virgin.

There are lots of people who are not virgins and still clueless about relationships.

Society give virgins a break!

It is hard enough navigating a hyper-sexual world as a virgin, do not make it more painful.

Virgins UNITE!! You are not clueless about relationships.

People who assume virgins are clueless about relationships are clueless themselves.

Because you had sex with your boyfriend or whomever you choose does not automatically mean you know a lot about relationship.  

Sex does not equal relationship. There are some people who are sexually active without a commitment or relationship.

If you ask me, until you have been in a stable relationship for more than 5 years, you are still clueless about relationship.

If sex was the secret to a stable relationship, we would all be pros in relationship.

Iris from Married at First Sight

One can make the argument that virgins are clueless about sex because of their lack of experience. Knowing sex and having sex are two different things.

Morale of this post is: give Virgins a break!! Some virgins are clueless about sex and some virgins are not.


Are you Single, Indoors and Ready to Mingle?

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Don’t let COVID-19 put your love life in quarantine.
9jagirl4real is ready to cater to all your dating needs.

Let all your single friends know.

Rules:
1. You must be 21 or above to participate.
2. You must be willing to do a video call with one of our dating expert.
3. You must be wiling to answer all our experts questions.
4. Have recent photos of yourself ready (in the last 6 months).
5. You must be single (unmarried or divorced) to participate.
6. Like us facebook: 9jagirl4real

We will post information about our single candidates on our blog.
If you like what you read, email [email protected] with the Subject Line: Interested in Mr……
All our candidates will have code name on each entry.
You must email 9jagirl4real@gmail if you are interested in the candidate.

Please stay safe and let your love life breath!

Photo Credit: http://www.lifeculturepeople.com/culture-2/2016/2/25/african-love

Back to the Genesis..

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Hello 9jagirl4real family..

It’s been ages, I hope life is treating you kind. I had to step back from blogging to revamp this blog! I honestly started blogging for myself and truly want to go back to blogging for myself. Ah.. Selfish me!! Blogging is my therapy. A journal could serve the same purpose but I have to utilize this blog. Welcome back to my world!!! I pray you will be inspired. I pray God will always be glorified on 9jagirl4real!!

 

With Love,

 

9jagirl4real

American Built, LIBERIAN STRONG!

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 On a fateful Saturday when the Super Eagles were preparing to demolish the Black Stars. I was hopeful the Super Eagles would win the game until I saw the mad skills on the Ghanaian team.

Rufus Afropong stood out on the field. Rufus played for the Ghanaian team.

Let me officially introduce you to this star. Rufus is a semi-pro soccer player from Liberia. His father is from Ghana. For those who do not know Liberia was founded by freed black slaves who returned from America. Liberia, unlike other West African countries, has its own unique history.

I pray his story you will inspire you to chase your dreams.

9jagirl4real: Hello Rufus, thank you for taking out time from your business schedule to do this interview. I really appreciate this.

Rufus: You’re welcome.

Liberian Strong

9jagirl4real: Who is Rufus?

Rufus: I was born in Liberia. I went High School in Liberia. During the (civil) war, we moved to Sierra Leone and came back to Liberia after the war. Finished my high school in Liberia. Attended a University in Liberia. My parents decided to send me to the States for college. Got accepted to a school in West Virginia. Left this university because the school lost their accreditation. The coach in West Virginia introduced me to a coach in South Carolina.  Played soccer for this school for 4 years and graduated.

9jagirl4real: When did your love for soccer start?

Rufus: I started from a young age. My mother loves soccer. She bought me a soccer ball. Soccer got serious when I graduated from High School. I made the club team (premiere) in Liberia. My mother was the main force behind everything. My father wanted me to be more focused on school. He didn’t change his mind until when the school wrote him and told him how me playing soccer was bringing more students to the school.  My father called me and told me to also focus on soccer.

(Laughs)..

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9jagirl4real: Are you pleased with this sport that you chose?

Rufus: My mother wanted me to try a different sport at a young age because of my height. I tried basketball. I was told by the basketball coach then to stick to soccer. Soccer is hard and different. Your footwork must be good. You need to have endurance. You also need to be fit.

9jagirl4real: In Liberia, you call it “soccer” or “football”?

Rufus: Football

9jagirl4real: What is the major language in Liberia?

Rufus: We speak English but different dialects of English.

9jagirl4real: What is the political and economic climate right now in Liberia?

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Rufus: People are still recovering from the war ( two civil wars).

9jagirl4real: What is the difference between the Liberian culture and American culture?

Rufus: The people in American are more independent while Liberia is more like family. American culture people don’t know themselves.

9jagirl4real: Does playing Fifa help you in the decision making when you play sport in real life?

Rufus: Yes, it helps you a little bit but not much. I don’t really play Fifa like that.

9jagirl4real: What do you want your legacy to be?

Rufus: I don’t want to leave a bad image for the kids.  Kids are my focus. I am trying to help the kids in Liberia.  I am supplying soccer game materials to keep their soccer dreams alive.

9jagirl4real: What does your faith mean to you as an athlete?

Rufus: It helps me to depend on God. I have seen God move in my life. Coming to the States and my college (ICU). I try to focus on God for everything. Every good thing that comes to me, I believe God did it.  Whether good or bad, God knows the reason.

9jagirl4real: Tell me about workout schedule?

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Rufus: I work out every day from Monday-Friday. 30min Cardio. Lifting weight. When I came to the States, I was skinny. I gained muscles when I came to the States. I made up my mind to go to the gym no matter how I feel.

9jagirl4real: What advice would you give your 16-year-old self?

Rufus: Be focused. Believe in yourself. Don’t listen to other people. Work towards your goals. Things will fall into place with time. Have Patience! Pay attention. At the right time, things will happen.
9jagirl4real: Ritual before a game?

Rufus: Listen to music. Sometimes gospel music, or R&B. I watch a movie. Do other things to distract me from the game.

9jagirl4real: What Keeps you up at night?

Rufus: Passion! I want to do things to make a difference in people’s lives.
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Huge thanks again to Rufus.

Go team Rufus!!

Keep Soaring.

The White Girl in Me.

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Picture credits: http://thedreamwithinpictures.com

Picture credits: http://thedreamwithinpictures.com

I went to an all girls’ boarding school prior to my big move to the United States. Growing my hair in this school was forbidden, so I had to cut off my hair. Yes, you guess right. I came to America with little hair.

When I started middle school in America, she was born. Who? The white girl in me. We will call her, Ashley.

My first day at middle school, I was called “weird” because I didn’t look anything like Ashley. Ashley is the standard of beauty. She has straight hair. She is skinny and so white.

I was nothing like Ashley. The black girls at my middle school looked at me funny and laughed when I walked by because I was not Ashley. They were not Ashley either, but they were closer to Ashley than me. They had their hair relaxed. They were Ashley on the inside but black girls on the outside.

I saw Ashley everywhere, she literally followed me everywhere. I saw her on billboards. I saw her in the clothing store where I buy clothes. She was everywhere. She looked nothing like me. Even the clothes I buy were sewn with Ashley in mind. Most of the stores sell clothes to fit Ashley. I had to go to several stores to find clothes to fit my body type.

Even when I am watching tv. Ashley is in all the commercials. Ashley is winning. The white boys want her. The black boys want her. Everybody wants Ashley.

In American society, beauty is a monolith. The closer you are to Ashley the prettier you are. The farther away you are from Ashley, then you are less attractive. To appease this naive society, I had to look like Ashley.

One day, I came back to school and everything changed.

My hair changed and I was at least 10% closer to Ashley and for the first time, the black girls at my school wanted to talk to me. They wanted to be my friend. Don’t get me wrong? It’s not Ashley’s fault, she is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with Ashley’s beauty.

Before the natural hair movement, no one would look at me if I had kinky hair but as soon I relax my hair, heads turn. We are told the lighter shade of us looks better (closer to Ashley). A straighter hair looks better (closer to Ashley).

The truth is white America doesn’t want to recognize the diversity in beauty. It’s one thing for white America to tell us we are not beautiful, it is more self-debilitating for us to believe this lie. If white America doesn’t promote us, we must promote ourselves. We must learn to compliment each other. Tell a natural sister, she looks beautiful every day.

Some black women are walking around with white images of themselves. When some of them look in the mirror, they compare themselves to Ashley. White America wants us to walk in the shadow of Ashley.

Some black men have bought into the lie which states black women are not beautiful. They have drunk the “kool-aid” as one of my professors call it.

Our black is beautiful. You don’t have to be white to be beautiful. Stop bleaching. Stop searching for validation from people who have been conditioned by white America to only see white beauty.

“There’s no standard in beauty, there’s diversity in beauty”-Amber Starks

 

“Prettiness is not the rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female.” – Erin Mckean